SIDEQUEST: Healing Paradise

I went to a 3.5 star spa amusement park, I was shocked!

Last week, I hopped on the road with Morgan Wade while she supports Alanis Morissette and Joan Jett on the incredible Triple Moon Tour. Obvious bias aside, I am floored by this package. Get tickets if you haven’t. You won’t regret it. INCREDIBLE.

Butttt! By the third night of this run, I found myself in Houston, Texas and fiending for some sidequests. First, I bookmarked the Rothko Chapel - the disparity among the Tripadvisor reviews sucked me in — but the oppressive Texas heat kept me from that visit. Chapel reviews below: I’ll be back.

Then, I bookmarked another “off the beaten path” museum - which I’ll keep secret, but will tell you about my visit soon! Here’s a clue.

And lastly, I happened upon the Gangnam Spa Healing Paradise. I texted my friend Sam to discuss. She would probably encourage me to go to a pig sty and get the “lay in pig shit” massage for the sake of this substack and that’s why she’s fantastic and if you’re reading this, you should be her fan.

A Saturday visit didn’t come to fruition, but on the Sunday Morning of Father’s Day — at around 10am — ya gal Mary whipped her rental car into this strip-mall-turned-spa parking lot.

Did it give me pause that most of the other cars in the parking lot were luxury vehicles like Jaguars and BMWs? Yes.

Did I go at 1030AM on Father’s Day in hopes to be alone because I’m still *mildly* prudish and wanted the least people imaginable in any of the nude spa sections? Absolutely.

Did I invite any of the other people on the tour to come along? Not a chance.

Did a fleeting terrifying idea that Alanis Morissette herself might be in here (since she’s so into wellness) cross my mind? Yes, I am that deranged.

When you enter Gangnam Spa, there’s an admission counter to check in. Weekday rates are $45, weekend rates are $55 and this includes access to the various saunas, relaxation areas, cold and hot and mugwort baths— a lot of things. This also includes a provided uniform, storage for your shoes and belongings, and the use of a well-equipped gender-separated locker room.

Before you even turn the corner of the desk, they request you take off shoes and socks and leave those here ^ — This is also when — much like an amusement park — you’re given a wrist band with a number to record any add-on purchases you make or food you order during your stay. This wristband matches and opens your shoe locker and clothes locker. I was 47.

After you ditch your shoes, you go to the gender-separated locker room and the “choose your own adventure” portion of this experience starts. You can change into the provided uniform and go enjoy the co-ed spaces or you can ditch all clothes, take a shower, and start with the fully nude baths and saunas in your area.

I chose the former. The uniform is a thick, kinda terry cloth / kinda cotton v-neck shirt with the Gangnam Spa logo and a pair of long shorts of the same material. Comfy and loose. Not everybody’s uniforms were the same color ways.

I was not sure what to expect from this point on. Reviews and online commentary were a mixed bag — the ones that hated it, hated it — the ones that loved it, loved it, and the ones that allegedly caught a couple having sex in one of the rooms didn’t even *mind* — sigh.

I donned my uniform and my two barefeet — and with the dedicated mindset that I would try everything available to me in this place — I began my circuit.

The co-ed space is like a warehouse and has a huge lounge area in the center (like the lobby of a hotel) with cushy couches and chairs. All the different relaxation areas dot the side of this big space. I started in the O2 Relaxation Room and had it largely to myself. There were plush mats on the floor, the oxygen was oxygenatin’ in my opinion.

Recommended time in here is 30 minutes - I did 20 and felt like a new lass. Here’s a good look at my ridiculous shorts and the space - a great starter spot in this place.

PS. The skylight is not real, but awfully convincing in this picture and the fakeness of it did not deter from my experience.

To keep this review succinct, I’m going to zoom through the other spaces here.

• Signature Bul-Ma-Ga: Modeled after traditional Korean wood fire sauna infused with medicinal herbs. 12 minutes completely alone. Hot and delightful. 10/10.

• Foot Bath: Grabbed a complimentary water, dunked feet. 10/10. 12 minutes.

• Nano Clay Room: Carbon yarn radiator heats a nano-clay room. Claims to be 2 times as effective as regular sauna. Hot and nice. 10/10. 10 minutes.

• Topaz Cave: Individual matted hideouts. Made with “healing” minerals — but no real benefit other than a great place to cool down between sauna and guzzle water privately. 7/10. 10 minutes, but could have easily dozed into 30.

• Himalayan Salt Room: combines the sauna heat and humidity salt base rocks that are really dang old. Probably my favorite of the saunas for temp and coziness. 10/10. 12 minutes.

• Ice Room: Walk in freezer with tiled benches. Amazing relaxing cool down. 9/10. 8 minutes.

• Massage Chairs: Like the most premium version of airport massage chairs that cost $5 for 10 minutes. These were $5 for 30 minutes and had all the bells and whistles. Turns out 10 minutes can be enough if you don’t know how to turn off the little demon ball massagers that dig into your feet.

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By this time, I had been in the “Healing Paradise” for over an hour and had acclimated. Was I healed? Not sure, but I was feeling pretty dang relaxed. Other patrons trickled in as time went by, but I still had most of the relaxation areas to myself or rarely sharing with 2-3 other people. I experienced not one person infringing on my personal space or breaking the “quiet” rules posted around. And the 3.5 TripAdvisor rating was starting to really piss me off.

It caused me to mentally prepare for creeps galore or super outdated equipment. I had disproven all of that — the only remaining review left to challenge were claims that the spa’s staff was inexperienced and frankly— crap. I think the actual word “crapshoot” was used somewhere in my research and one woman said her treatment was so “poor” - that she cried all the way home. Sounds like a lead to me.

Well, because of my unending journalistic integrity and loyalty to you readers….

I marched right back to the desk and asked if I could add a spa treatment to my day. They obliged and said there was an opening for a body scrub in 25 minutes …in the nude area. They instructed me to go back to the women’s lock room, take a shower, and go sit in the hot bath and wait til my number was called.

(Obviously, taking pictures in any of these areas would get ME reviewed on Tripadvisor as some pornagraphic, lurking lunatic — so all of the above are photos from the official website. They are accurate. It was clean and well-maintained.)

I rustled up some nervous gumption and peeled off layers until my crumpled uniform laid in the bottom of my locker. I was about to beeline to the shower and strategically hold my tiny provided hand towel — when another woman came to a locker nearby wearing a full bath towel.

“Well shit, where’d you get that?” I blurted out. She looked startled, “The big towel, I mean, I’m sorry.” Relieved, she pointed and said “Oh, yeah, nobody told me at first either, just ask for a big towel at the front when you check in.”

HELLS YEAH has never more loudly rang out in my mental dialogue. I went and got a big towel and then the second part of my adventure — and the only nude part began.

Part Two drops tomorrow. See you then.

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